One of the few people who actually reads my blog wants some new pictures. Since I can't sleep tonight for some ungodly reason I will post a bunch of new pics. Don't expect too much writing though as my brain is fried since I am tired, want to sleep but cannot for some reason.

So Amy, these pics are for you!

Well it has been a while since I last updated my blog. I was inspired by reading my friend Amy's blog. Apparently she was being pressured to up date. I myself am not being pressured since hardly anyone reads this but I still feel it is time.

These last few weeks have been very crazy and busy and scary and enlightening and many other things. So now life is settling back down and I am feeling better and seeing that everything happnes for a reason. Also I am learning that just because I am mad and hurt and completely upset about something doesn't mean everyone around me knows I am that way or even has a clue as to what I am upset about. Communication is key. That is hard to learn. Communication sounds easy but it is not! Also hanging on to anger hurt and pain doesn't do anyone any good, especially me.

It is amazing when you actually talk about what is bothering you; how freeing it can be. It makes you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. God has created us to need other people. He has created us to share our ups and downs. There is a reason for that. Sharing our troubles and trials with other people who can pray for us and cry with us and just be there to help us feel like we are not alone.

So thats all I have to say about that.

Who cares?

Sometimes I get so sick of always trying to do the right thing, or say the right thing or be the right person. Someitmes I would like to be able to say how I really feel without regard to other peoples feelings. I spend so much time trying not to make others feel bad that my feelings never get a chance to see the light of day. nor do they get a chance to be validated. It's always so much mroe important to spare others the gory details so they can go on abot their little lives feeling good about themselves. Well what about me?

I feel like I have to hide how I really feel about things because someone will say 'well you are just having a bad day or you dont really feel that way". Well yes I do feel that way and THAT is what is causing my bad day. Not the other way around. Sometimes I really do feel like I want to go back in time to before I was married and had kids. I had a lot more fun then and a lot less responsibility and crap that goes along with kids and marriage. I do long for the days of just me with no husband and no kid. I would go back in time and change it all if I could sometimes. That is how I feel and I don't really care if it makes me sound heartless or bitchy. I get so sick of being the one to fix everything and do everything and know all the details and how the routines are and I am super sick of feeling like my needs and feelings take a back burner or my needs and feelings are due to being tired or hormones or whatever other stupid idea men think makes women wish things were different.

I love my daughter but I can't honestly say that if given the chance to go back in time I wouldn't change things and be the childless adult I wanted to be in the first place. I feel like I have really given up a part of who I was to take on this foreign territory I never wanted in the first place. Same goes for marriage. Would I do it again? I dont know, maybe, maybe not. My life is really not turning out the way I had hoped or planned and sometimes that is good but sometimes I wish I would have taken the chance to make it what it isn't now. If any of you readers out there don't like what I am saying or want to lecture me on this subject, just keep it to yourself because you are not me and you don't know my heart or the deep dark secret places that exist with in my heart. That is between me and God. He knows my heart and he knows how I feel so it is his job and his alone to guide me and get me through these feelings.

But frankly, I dont care what anyone else thinks.