Who cares?

Sometimes I get so sick of always trying to do the right thing, or say the right thing or be the right person. Someitmes I would like to be able to say how I really feel without regard to other peoples feelings. I spend so much time trying not to make others feel bad that my feelings never get a chance to see the light of day. nor do they get a chance to be validated. It's always so much mroe important to spare others the gory details so they can go on abot their little lives feeling good about themselves. Well what about me?

I feel like I have to hide how I really feel about things because someone will say 'well you are just having a bad day or you dont really feel that way". Well yes I do feel that way and THAT is what is causing my bad day. Not the other way around. Sometimes I really do feel like I want to go back in time to before I was married and had kids. I had a lot more fun then and a lot less responsibility and crap that goes along with kids and marriage. I do long for the days of just me with no husband and no kid. I would go back in time and change it all if I could sometimes. That is how I feel and I don't really care if it makes me sound heartless or bitchy. I get so sick of being the one to fix everything and do everything and know all the details and how the routines are and I am super sick of feeling like my needs and feelings take a back burner or my needs and feelings are due to being tired or hormones or whatever other stupid idea men think makes women wish things were different.

I love my daughter but I can't honestly say that if given the chance to go back in time I wouldn't change things and be the childless adult I wanted to be in the first place. I feel like I have really given up a part of who I was to take on this foreign territory I never wanted in the first place. Same goes for marriage. Would I do it again? I dont know, maybe, maybe not. My life is really not turning out the way I had hoped or planned and sometimes that is good but sometimes I wish I would have taken the chance to make it what it isn't now. If any of you readers out there don't like what I am saying or want to lecture me on this subject, just keep it to yourself because you are not me and you don't know my heart or the deep dark secret places that exist with in my heart. That is between me and God. He knows my heart and he knows how I feel so it is his job and his alone to guide me and get me through these feelings.

But frankly, I dont care what anyone else thinks.